it's all about the benjamins baby

So it was that special time again, where Linda and I go grocery shopping together. And by “shopping” I mean aimlessly wandering around Spar in the DZ, talking about soup, and by “grocery” I mean Brazil nuts, a (in retrospect not worth buying) sandwich, and onion rings. But introductory pleasantries aside, we ended up, not surprisingly, at the Kassa. We were lined up at the first check out counter, in a row of three. Anyone who knows Spar in the DZ will be familiar with the desperate battle, or rather the uncomfortable-ness of trying to pass through the isle, when a line of people at the check out are protruding into it, because of the appalling interior layouting the Spar interior designer was responsible for. In any case, we were at the end of a rather short queue, only slightly butting into the walkway. But this was precisely our downfall. While I was facing Linda, most probably engrossed in a riveting discussion of some kind, a Filipino woman carrying a six-pack of water jostled by unapologetically. Trying to politely deflect this blow, and keep it from turning into a domino effect like phenomena along the check out, I turned to the side, managing to only lightly brush the lady in front of me, as opposed to shoving her into the gum stand. In fact, I actually thought her huge and regal looking fur coat would have acted as a buffer, letting this mundane occurrence pass by without any further incident. This is when it all went wrong.

All of a sudden, “old grouchy lady”, or OGL as she will subsequently be referred to, wheeled around, and barked at us shortly:

“You can wait.”

And promptly turned back around. I was stunned more than anything, not really able to summon to mind the correct social decorum at such short notice. But the white noise in my head didn’t last long before OGL decided we needed another dose of her cheer, and repeated her previous statement, but chose this time to expand it to a generalized statement about the lack of respect present for the pension-age set, although “You can wait.” remained a liberally mumbled mantra throughout.

By this time, I had gathered up my three brain cells from where I dropped them in shock, and decided to apply my abundant diplomatic skills to decharge the situation. Putting my hand on her fur coat, in what I hoped was easy camaraderie, I attempted to explain the circumstances that lead to the unfortunate case of light contact between her insulated figure, and mine. I got about as far as “protruding out of the line, and then-” when the attention she had temporarily granted me, timed out. She spun around, muttering “yeah, yeah, yeah”.

Although the dismissal was not really the most pleasant of things, she seemed convinced, and I was glad that the conflict was over. Now I could safely go back to contemplating the pros and cons of Stroeck vs. Spar sandwiches. But, once again, it was not to be. As soon as the OGL had turned her back, Linda was on the offensive, her unexpectedly badass German B-High articulation at the ready, hands curled into fists (presumably preparing to get physical), and feet shuffling back and forth, not unlike a small Asian boxer.
“What? We didn’t do anything how can you expect us to respect you, if you do not deserve respect yourself? Huh?”
Her voice was so shamelessly self-righteous, I nearly felt the urge to step back and watch the spectacle, but as usual, my shyness of conflict and unwillingness to get into any kind of situation (“that’s right, I do not want to mess, hows that?”) prevented that. I awkwardly shoved myself in front of a nearly capoeira-ing Linda, and quickly mumbled “Shut up, just shut up”.

I thought the OGL hadn’t noticed Linda’s passionate outbursts, but apparently she did, because from under Linda’s protests, I could hear the OGL muttering. Shocked, I turned to see if my ears had been deceiving me, but apparently not. The OGL was unloading her groceries onto the band, smirking at us, loudly muttering “Yes, just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up”, until it faded into nothing but a stunned silence.

Oh it’s ON!

Except it wasn’t, because I am a wimp, and couldn’t stand up for my friend, so instead, I decided to amuse myself by making fun of her less than average dental hygiene, and leave the conflict at that. Linda, however was raring to go, muttering well-articulated obscenities under her breath, thirsting for metaphorical blood. To my delight, and Linda’s dismay, the OGL had now engaged the Cashier in a riveting discussion on the non-existent price reduction on mandarins, that required assistance from one further employee.

Still outraged, I exited the Spar with Linda, and immediately started ranting about the unbelievable menace that this woman undoubtedly posed to society as a whole.
Linda said,
“I like fighting.”

Note: All dialogue except for the very last exchange took place in German.
Note 2: Credit for the title goes to Matthew, obviously a genius.